Surf Guest–That Soap Is Not For You

This is an oldie but a goodie, an article published back in 2008 but as relevant today as it was way back then, a whole year ago.  I’m about to have two of my best friends come visit. they are both perfect guests, but they ARE guys, and that reminded to go searching for this. Enjoy

Once again this column is aimed mostly at guys. It’s not that I’m some kind of pig (though I am) it’s just that I’m male. The notion that I might understand a woman’s viewpoint about guest etiquette is laughable. I’m simply describing reactions and taboos from the position of dispassionate observer. Napoleon Chagnon observing the Yanomami in the dark heart of the amazon. Besides, the topic of this article is no help to women–they understand this stuff from birth. Though it may be useful to women to print a few copies, laminate them, and molly bolt them onto walls anywhere male guests might wander in search of a resting place, food, or relief of basic bodily imperatives.

So you’ve been invited to stay at someone’s beach house. It’s close to good breaks and therefore it’s a great place even if the floors tilt fifteen degrees. You’d like to come back someday. You’d like these people to still be speaking to you after three days of exposure to your habits. But you’re an untamed, natural creature, child of the ocean, at one with your true soul.

Well that ain’t gonna work. If you expose that dog to anyone with sensibilities, much less a woman, they will do anything short of burning the house to make sure you never cross the threshold again. This is a step-by-step plan for utterly fooling people into thinking you are remarkably civilized for a guy whose wardrobe consists of board shorts, rash guards, freebie T-shirts and a crusty hoodie.

You need to memorize this, so I’m going to keep it simple. No explanations–just rules. Besides, I don’t know why these are rules, they puzzle me too.

1. Case the bedroom: If the bed has a decorative cover, a sham (the ruffly thing that hides the wheels and dust bunnies) decorative pillows and/or stuffed animals you will not be sleeping there. DO NOT pull back the covers or disturb the pillows unless you take a photograph that enables you to put things back EXACTLY as they were. Either sleep on the floor beside the bed or try the front lawn.

2. Examine the bathroom: If it is a shared bathroom DO NOT undertake elimination after eating five Spam Musabe or even a single Chile Verde burrito. There is no spray, “aromatherapy experience” or amount of fresh air that will eliminate the lingering evidence of your gastronomic excesses. Lift the seat to pee, put it back down when you’re done. Seems like women could figure out if a toilet seat is up or not before they sit down, but apparently they can’t, and if you give them a surprise dip they will hate you until the sun is a black cinder.

3. The guest towels are not for you. They are easy to identify–they match, and they are brightly colored. You need to look for something in a drawer or cabinet that looks like a ratty beach towel, or perhaps something lifted from a holiday inn. Try not to get it too wet–it can double as a blanket when you’re sleeping on the floor.

4. The guest soap is also not for you. These are even easier to identify–they have probably never been wet and they are in some distinct shape–like fish or hearts. Again, search the cabinets and find a soap scrap with deep fissures, or perhaps an assortment of them that you can bind together with a little hot water.

5. If your buddy farts in front of his wife it’s not an invitation to a contest. Your best bet is a slightly pained and embarrassed look, like you’re not really sure what just transpired. Of course if she’s not around feel free to unleash your rendition of the 1812 overture.

6. Don’t offer to cook–a no win proposition. If it’s good you’re competing with the wife and upstaging your friend. If it’s bad you’re subjecting them to an unpleasant meal, if you make a mess you’re a pain, if you clean the whole kitchen you’re a neat freak who finds their housekeeping not up to your standards. When Suzy Homemaker makes you anything, including some strange casserole with green things and mushroom soup in it, act like you’ve just enjoyed the best thing since that crazy two weeks in Paris. Good idea to go for a walk afterwards (refer to rule five above).

7. Do the dishes. Takes twenty minutes, any fool can do it, and you’ll permanently be one of the good guys. You can screw up any of the rules above (except some parts of #2) and a bit of dish washing will put you back on an even standing–probationally.

8. Get lost. If you’re hanging out more than a single night you’ll be in the way. Unless your friends are a bit kinky they probably ain’t having sex if you’re hanging in the living room. A couple of days of that and even the kindest soul will wish you gone. Provide some space and make sure they know you’ll be gone for at least a couple of hours. Don’t come back early.

That’s about it. You can make life a lot simpler by staying with your bachelor buddies, but they usually don’t have much room, and their towels have hash marks.

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Paia Inn: Remarkable and Perfect

We’ve just found the best place to stay on Maui (other than Ponohouse). It’s perfect for any active person or couple that plans to spend their time on the North shore–surfing, windsurfing, SUP Surfing, whatever. It’s perfect partly because of location, but it also balances luxury, tasteful accommodation, and amenities (like private beach access directly to the surf break in Paia Bay!!) in a quiet way that blends elegantly with funky Paia. It’s also reasonably priced.

I suspect that when people understand what a gem this is, it will be very hard to get one of these five rooms. If you’re planning a trip to Maui this year (it’s a great year to do so–more about that later), you should check this out and make your reservations early.

Before we bought Ponohouse Diane and I used to come each April and stay for three weeks–usually at the Four Seasons or some other Wailea hotel. It was expensive and inconvenient to the North Shore, where I spent most of my time. While the Paia Inn existed then (it was started in 1962) it pretty grubby. If it had been as it is now I would have nailed down one of these rooms perpetually.

It’s a vast understatement to say that we were surprised–we expected something ordinary. Let’s start with the location and the outside. Except for the sign you’d never know Paia Inn exists. The rooms are above a storefront–currently a gallery–and you enter the Inn from the back, pulling in beside a gas station.


As you step through the gate you find the first surprise–a shady, cool, comfortable courtyard. Very inviting, very comfortable. My immediate thought was “what a nice place this would be to kick back with a beer”. Paia has wonderful restaurants, but nothing this peaceful and inviting.

Walking through the heavy door we come another surprise–a spacious, and very tastefully appointed lobby with interesting and colorful art on every wall.

In a big hotel the lobby is just for show. But in a small inn like this, it’s part of your living space. And this is a very comfortable place to hang out. The Inn provides complimentary coffee and pastry in the mornings, from my favorite coffee joint in the entire world–Anthony’s–which is right across the street. The lobby would be a fine place to enjoy that, though the courtyard would probably always be my first choice.

Up a short flight of stairs is another nicely decorated and comfortable common area with a computer and printer/fax. The Inn has free wireless high speed internet access and flat screen TV in each room.

The rooms are small and simple, but pretty and comfortable. They are exactly what I like in a hotel–roomy enough to move around in, comfortable beds, nice shower/bath and nothing more.

The location is at the heart of Paia, backed up to Paia Bay. In my heart Paia is right up there with Paris and Portland–beyond just a special place. Across the parking lot is Lightning Bolt Surf shop. It’s Maui’s original surf shop, originally owned by Gerry Lopez, started back in 1972. Across the street is Anthony’s. Besides having the best coffee on the planet, Anthony’s clientele includes every great surfer and windsurfer you’ve ever heard of. You’re as likely to run into Dave Kalama or Laird Hamilton and his family as you are to run into me. A little further up is the Fish Market restaurant–best fish plates in the world–at least I’ve never had better, and then there’s Jacques, Milagro, Moana Cafe and all the other great Paia restaurants. Great clothing and beachwear shops, the remarkable Ship Gallery, venerable Chuck’s restaurant and bar. In short, it’s a great little town, and Paia Inn is right in the middle of it.

On Friday nights you can walk over to the Wine Corner and pick up a nice bottle or a six pack of Microbrews, perhaps grab a Pizza from Flatbread, and then walk into Lightning bolt where Frank shows free surf movies at 8:00 PM. Hit Milagros or Jaques for a nightcap and stroll back to your room. You won’t have walked a half of a mile.

We’ve saved the best for last.

Walk out of the courtyard and there’s a small area with a solar-heated shower to rinse off in, and a private path to the beach. You walk down a narrow lane decorated with carved masks. A couple of quick turns and there you are–at the far end of Paia beach, right in front of consistent reef break. The waves were puny when I visisted, but this is a nice spot to surf and good place to put in or take out your SUP board. I could easily see a short downwinder from Maliko Gultch to Paia Bay, taking out right at your hotel. Handy.

Rates currently range from about $150 to $250 per night. See their website at http://www.paiainn.com/ for more up-to-date information.